Goldmines to Reopen as Sizzler

By on October 8, 2018

The rumours are true.

After weeks of speculation the Bendigo Standard can confirm that the fancy pantsy diner planned to be the phoenix of the Goldmines Hotel is Sizzler.

“All you can eat is back baby!” said Gary Garyson, 41, Frankston.

After being purchased by an out-of-towner, the Goldmines has remained clouded in mystery, much like the peak of Mt Everest, a distant spot up the hill from base camp that promises much but is only accessible when the weather is suitable.

“We see the Sizzler franchise to be perfect for Bendigo,” said Mr Greyson. “It what the hollow legged, shallow pocketed person loves, as long as your desires are a frog in the pond for dessert and salad protected by a headbutt guard.”

Don’t you mean sneeze-guard?

“No. Have you seen the height those glass panels are hung at? Snotty kids booger all over the creamy pasta and potato salad. Nothing to fear. It adds flavour. It’s like the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices. One of those is herpes,” said Mr Gregson, who’s views are entirely his own and not shared by the Bendigo Standard team.

Along with food, and hopefully those famous potato skins, yum, those potato skins had so much chicken salt on them you could probably decrystallize one of them and get a whole chicken, and part of a potato… but more importantly there are other plans for this Sizzler reboot.

“All you can eat, AND all you can drink,” said Mr Gregson. “As long as you don’t mind bathtub brandy, bathtub scotch, and bathtub peppermint schnapps.”

And who doesn’t!

Bendigo is looking forward to the highest standards in food and drink that will be served at this new Goldmines, aka Sizzler on the Hill.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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