Local Alcoholics Feel Ignored by Bendigo Beer Festival

By on August 19, 2016
Is the guy in the Aussie gold wearing a wig, as well as shit sunnies?

“Where are the Doublebolster beers from Hubbabaloo, and the range of Mumblepressure Extra Pressed Frog Leg Infused Session beers?” asks Maxx Rumble of Quarry Hill, chalkboard writer at the Goldmines Hotel.

Despite being a success every year, the Bendigo on the Hop festival finds itself unwelcome by some local beer drinkers.

Specky McGee from Long Gully, gut bloated and skin yellowed with beer experience, explains his anger, “They’re not even fucking going to the fucking City Family fucking Hotel or the fucking B&A.”

The event allows people to sample beers at various locations, while also allowing them to complain about the tasting portions, the range of dark beer, and a lack of cider on the menu.

“If they serve fucking brisket or gourmet hot dogs rather than mixed nuts and dim sims, well, fuck, I don’t know what this place is coming to,” says Mr McGee.

Mr Rumble’s concerns are on another scale.

“What I want to see are real craft, hand-pumped, live yeast, cask carried, top fermenting beers like they had in the olden days,” says Mr Rumble. “Bubblefountian do an Extra Hops Double Fist Macchiato version that is out of this world, according to Fermention.”

Even if brewers bothered with live yeast casks, it would not satisfy everyone.

“Scooping beer into a tankard from a bucket,” says Mr McGee. “That’s how we fucking did it.”

Olden days and modern wank aside, a few people are looking forward to the event.

Check your local for details.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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