Your Horoscope – Week Of August 20, 2018

By on August 20, 2018

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your father is not an astronaut. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • The planetary influences will irritate your bowels this week. • That favorite coworker of yours secretly hates you.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s painfully easy. • The bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. • Your next Career: Foxy Boxer • It will rain tomorrow. Guaranteed.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A fart plays a pivitol role in your relationship. • Your bank is stealing from you. • Breathe less. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Three words: Learn how to count. • Get Religion. Quick! • Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. • An orphaned Kangaroo will begin living in your fireplace.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The person in the stall before you had untreated genital warts. Good luck! • Your organs will be harvested and marketed as souvenirs to the Xeaibobia Tribe of New Guinea. • Your next career: Sad Clown Painter. • No one makes eating noises quite like you.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A man’s home is his castle. Don’t expect to finish paying off that Trojan horse. • Your next career: Ferret breeder


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You have the athleticism of a mollusk. • You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest. • Your next Career: Salad Bar Security • Hold out for a better deal from your boss when he offers to fire you.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will come into a nice automobile. Make sure to clean up before the owner finds out. • Two words: Head Lice • Your next Career: Mime • Eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Time heals all rug burns. • Hide from those who mean to tickle you. • Your next Career: Horoscope Writer • Eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Face the fact, you are a hilarious drunk. • Believe everything you read. • Next Career: Satanic Guidance Counselor


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Stop stressing over your unfortunate looks. • Money isn’t everything. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. • Your hair is plotting against you again.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Eat more fruit. • Someone will spit in your taco. • Your next Career: Ventriloquist • That coworker you hate secretly loves you.

About Mike Elliott

Creator of The Bendigo Standard and an excellent parallel parker. My long life dream is to make Cricket bats so everyone calls me The Batman http://facebook.com/mikeelliottcomedy

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