Your Horoscope – Week Of August 20, 2018

By on August 20, 2018

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your father is not an astronaut. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • The planetary influences will irritate your bowels this week. • That favorite coworker of yours secretly hates you.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s painfully easy. • The bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. • Your next Career: Foxy Boxer • It will rain tomorrow. Guaranteed.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A fart plays a pivitol role in your relationship. • Your bank is stealing from you. • Breathe less. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Three words: Learn how to count. • Get Religion. Quick! • Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. • An orphaned Kangaroo will begin living in your fireplace.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The person in the stall before you had untreated genital warts. Good luck! • Your organs will be harvested and marketed as souvenirs to the Xeaibobia Tribe of New Guinea. • Your next career: Sad Clown Painter. • No one makes eating noises quite like you.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A man’s home is his castle. Don’t expect to finish paying off that Trojan horse. • Your next career: Ferret breeder


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You have the athleticism of a mollusk. • You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest. • Your next Career: Salad Bar Security • Hold out for a better deal from your boss when he offers to fire you.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will come into a nice automobile. Make sure to clean up before the owner finds out. • Two words: Head Lice • Your next Career: Mime • Eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Time heals all rug burns. • Hide from those who mean to tickle you. • Your next Career: Horoscope Writer • Eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Face the fact, you are a hilarious drunk. • Believe everything you read. • Next Career: Satanic Guidance Counselor


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Stop stressing over your unfortunate looks. • Money isn’t everything. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it. • Your hair is plotting against you again.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Eat more fruit. • Someone will spit in your taco. • Your next Career: Ventriloquist • That coworker you hate secretly loves you.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Mike Elliott

Sharknado Survivor • Musician • Richmond Tigers tragic • Simpsons fanatic • Muppets fan • I love Bendigo • No, I don't wanna build a snowman

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