Your Horoscope – Week Of August 6, 2018

By on August 6, 2018

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

 ♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Today will be full of hits, misses, and gun jams.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The milk is going bad as you read this. Seriously, don’t you look at the expiration dates?


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll discover the bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. Stop touching it.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. Leave it alone.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will suddenly understand both particle physics and empathy. You realise that you’ve been wrong all the time.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Time will heal all rug burns. Remember that one you got when you were 7 and 8 oh yeah twice when you were 10? You probably deserved it.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Learn how to drive, jerk!


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your refrigerator is filthy. Get an Aries to clean it for you. Your lucky number is 1.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will step in something in a few minutes. Good thing you don’t have a case of foot and mouth.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Wipe the seat, pig.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Call in sick. You’ll know why. You’re welcome.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a mower. When this gets pointed out to you, you will have the urge to mow the lawn.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Your Friendly Neighbourhood Psychic

Leave a Reply and win at life

%d bloggers like this: