Your Horoscopes – Week Of July 24, 2017

By on July 24, 2017

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Travel is in your future to Hawaii when someone asked you to be ‘Be pacific as possible’.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will unfriend your wife from Facebook after she complains about parking on Bendigo Have Your Say


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll blame the dog for farting when it’s actually the dog. No one will believe you


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will take a crap so big your legs will hurt


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will have a crap week. If you want to fix it then carry around some bacon. Everything is better with bacon


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You realise you still owe $30 in late fees of Ernest Goes To Camp from 20 years ago to the local video shop that shut down 2 years ago


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You start an allergy clinic from scratch


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Instead of the birds and the bees tell your kids about slugs and cockroaches so they won’t have sex


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You still haven’t cleared your browser history.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your week is ruined when you realise it’s 2017 and those born in the year 2001 can get their L’s this year


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You call all the local radio stations and ask for the theme from Rage


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

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