Bendigo Winemakers Festival Aims to Avoid Beer Wankers

By on May 5, 2016
Wine folk are trying to handpass their elitist persona to the upcoming beer brigade.

“We’ll be having none of this North American hops, IXPAL, Summertime Draught Ale, filtered through a watermelon crap,” says Winemaker Festival organiser Sir Reginald Reginald Reginald IV OM. “It’s red and white wine we got. That’s it!”

Yet he does acknowledge past mistakes.

“Conceded, some wine folk have rabbited on about yeast strains, slope facings and palate length, but we’re moving away from all that tosh.”

The event is now keen to differentiate itself from the la-de-da craft beer crusade.

“Have you seen those toffs, toffing about with oh so European pints? In my day an Aussie drank a glass of beer from a jug, and we didn’t need tattoos and a beard to show that we enjoyed it! Slumping on the titles to be washed out with the swill was enough evidence to that!”

To enforce the embargo on long winded explanations of what is essentially fermented sugars in grape juice, the Bendigo Winemakers Festival is issuing laws against wanker talk.

“Say the word fruity, and you’re out. Say the word maturation, and you’re out. Mention battonage and we’ll pop you in an empty wine barrel and bung you about a bit with a stick, so you can get an idea of what battonage really feels like.”

“And if you want to rimage something, well, we’ve got a device for that too.”

Sir Reginald Reginald Reginald IV is, however, willing to make some allowances for the discerning drinker.

”Sure, give the thing a shake and sniff if you must, and even spit if you’re driving, but for pity sake the plonk is going to get you drunk no matter how many times you piss about looking for legs or bouquet – both of which can be far more appealing on people than in wine.”

The event is on Sunday 7 May, starting at Rosalind Park but sure to spill over into Rosalind playground, the car park, under Marilyn, a few might end up in the canal, and some might appear at the law courts next door in coming weeks, which will be quite convenient.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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