Kangaroo Flat Woman Brags About Not Using Gym Membership

By on September 27, 2018

“I don’t even need it,” said Gertrude Stein, 47, Kangaroo Flat.

Apparently Miss Stein has held a gym membership for eight years and not touched the front door once.

“I don’t even use the hand-break on my car,” said Miss Stein.

In a growing class of people who own things they never use, Miss Stein is a beacon for the cause of waste want.

“I bought this house and land package. I don’t go into the garden. It just can just overgrow and get chest high grass for all I care,” said Miss Stein.

Her neighbours in Kangaroo Flat are not happy.

Mr George Parsons said, “We had a perfectly respectable area of land blocks being sub-divided and she comes along, buys land, and doesn’t sub-divide. It just sits there. Drives me bonkers. Instead of a cramped two bedroom home there’s grass and a wattle tree. It’s crap.”

It’s not just gym memberships and ugly home opportunities that Miss Stein is not making full use of.

“I have a bread maker in the cupboard, and own a bicycle that looks like it was once a go-kart,” said Miss Stein.

But her biggest win has been shopping at Aldi.

“Oh the pointless crap I pick up there. Work boots, a book on golf, travel luggage, Oh it’s paradise.”

But shopping at Aldi is not the only pointless thing she’s done.

“I’ve also had three kids,” said Miss Stein.

What’s the most pointless thing you’ve brought? Leave a comment in our comments section. Or don’t.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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