Man Breastfeeds Baby

By on November 19, 2016
A young Rove McManus

“She kept tugging at my shirt until she exposed skin,” said Mr. Miles Davis of Bridgewater-on-Loddon.

His eight-month old niece was groping his body in search for boob, inexperienced hands seeking a gap in clothing as so many women have experienced before – whether they raise a child or not.

“Then she found nipple and the look of disappointment on her face – gosh – so much disdain. It was as if she though ‘Oh, this is going to be a lot of hard work.’”

A skinny man, Mr. Davis was nursing the young child for his sister.

“My sister was sitting opposite and she unbuttons her top and says, ‘Hand her over.’”

“Well, I’ve got nothing against breastfeeding in public, I’m all for it, not in a creepy way, but, well, my mother was there laughing at me, my sister was giving up on me, and it all made me feel unwanted.”

So Mr. Davis took drastic action.

“For some reason I guided my niece’s head toward my chest, looked my sister in the eye, and said, ‘No.’”

Flesh exposed and baby’s face nestled to his chest, Mr. Davis had one immediate thought.

“I’d never wanted to lactate so much in my life! I mean, I’ve never wanted to sky dive but I could if I was pushed. Lactating however, well, that has been very low on my to do list.”

“Then I thought, I already grow tomatoes. If I got some chickens and expressed my own milk, I could make an omelet and be self-sufficient.”

“In an odd way it was comforting.”

Then things changed.

“Pretty soon I realised what I was doing, and it was weird.”

Then the baby took over.

“She clamped on my nipple, sucked like she was getting blood from a stone, then pulled her head back, tucked my shirt down, and looked round the room content.”

“I’ve no idea what happened.”

Perhaps she was playing a role-playing game.

“It was a pretty elaborate practical joke if that’s what it was.”

“Anyway, I told my sister she could put her milker away, and I guess I’m uncle of the year!”

“Success.”

All in all, a pretty grose story.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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