Melbourne Man Gives Lecture in Bendigo on How to Make a Proper Coffee

By on April 20, 2016
The patten of a Moreton Bay bug must be drawn onto coffee for it to be any good.

Giovanni Ribisi III, 29, arrived in Bendigo and was quickly displeased.

“A black latte has the froth removed from a standard latte and added post, I say, post crema,” he said, gesticulating wildly.

“That’s the way it’s done in Melbourne.”

Ribisi says he knows a lot about coffee, and freely dispensed this knowledge in a ten to fifteen minute rant while yelling abuse and instructions at staff of Get Naked Coffee (that’s the place in front of Handle Bar).

“You have to grind counter-clockwise, otherwise the aroma is lost due to the negativity of the anti-clockwise motion,” he said, pacing in and out of the shop as he spoke, occasionally spitting into his shirt sleeve in a way that he hoped nobody noticed.

“And I can tell you a thing or two about cups. They need to be heated by a large duck that’s been fooled into thinking the ceramic mug is an egg.”

Ribisi emigrated, as he puts it, to Melbourne some four years ago, and quickly became an eyesore on the Melbourne cafe and milk crate scene.

“Do not compact the grind with a metal press, oh, no, no, you have to use the palm of your hand or the eye socket of a baby.”

His parents live in Australia too, emigrating, so to speak, to Ribisi’s native Frankston on a boat some thirty-five years after misjudging the arrangement of stars during a Sydney to Hobart contest.

They capsized and never fully repaired the damage, despite many offers of assistance since their son was born.

“It has to be fair trade beans my friend or I kid you not you are causing slavery, and be sure to draw the arse end of a Moreton Bay bug on top of that thing or it just doesn’t look right!”

Ribisi was in Bendigo on a fact finding mission on behalf of a small Melbourne eatery that declined to comment, beyond saying they just wanted a day of peace and this was the best idea they had.

“Yes, I would invest in a town like this,” said Ribisi. “There is much I could bring here from my experience.”

A consortium has received funding from Bendigo Council and local community groups to prevent this from happening.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

Leave a Reply and win at life

%d bloggers like this: