Queen Victoria to Come Out of the Shadows

By on August 28, 2016
Good old Queeny to get a make over.

A 113 year old statue of Queen Victoria is now Bendigo’s preeminent lady in a garden.

But changes are afoot.

“We’re looking to elevate her to icon status, as was befitting Marilyn,” says Bendigo Council marketing guru Helena Bonham Carter.

Work on a facelift is set to begin early November.

“First we’re going to blast those thighs and give her a tuck around the jaw line,” says Ms Bonham Carter. “Then we’ll whiten the teeth, move her from a B cup to a DD, and spray her hair blonde.”

Aside from interfering with the Queen’s physique, there are goals to address her general garb.

“It’s all about bringing Queeny into line with today’s standards,” explains Ms Bonham-Carter.

This work is set to include revealing more leg, lowering the dress’ neck line, and probably exposing her undergarments.

“Hopefully she can bend and get those jugs out,” says Ms Bonham-Carter.

A model based on Kim Kardashian is on display in the Visitor information Centre.

“It’ll be simply stunning!” says Ms Bonham-Carter.

Famous sculptor Caspar Zika, noted for the Sir Richie Benaud eye-sore outside the SCG, is contracted to complete the work.

“Banksy was busy,” said Ms Bonham-Carter, “And so was Dicaprio.”

The updated piece is to be called Forever Queeny.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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