The Bendigo Cup Form Guide

By on October 31, 2018

It’s the race that stops a regional Victorian municipality, as Bendigo people, desperate for some excuse to get into their finest garments and piss-on like Uni students, watch horses be whipped and forced to run around an oval as entertainment.

To help your day, here’s the Bendigo Standard’s view on the nags:

  1. Patrick Erin (NZ) (13) – Performance art gone too far as Patrick and Erin are two people inside a horse suit.

  2. Dal Harraild (GB) (10) – Performance art gone one step further, as Dal is one geezer inside a horse suit holding stilts.

  3. Lord Fandango (GER) (11) – Doing it for a dare, and probably drunk on scotch, Lord Fandango is going to dance the full course inside a horse suit.

  4. Sir Charles Road (4) – Sir Charles is with Lord Fandango for emotional support. (Not wearing a horse suit.)

  5. Sir Isaac Newton (GB) (2) – Been dead for several years. Amazing effort to get this far.

  6. Furrion (GB) (9) – A type of trough the NBN is drilling to put cables in.

  7. Master of Arts (NZ) (3) – Sounds better than a degree but still worthless.

  8. Happy Moment (JPN) (6) – Oh yes. Remember when you were six and you blew out your birthday candles for the first-time without help? This is an incarnation of that memory, vaporizer and shoved inside a horse suit.

  9. Berisha (15) – Still a fan favourite but past his prime. Pulling good money in the J-League.

  10. Ormito (GER) (5) – The Japanese art of forgetting crucial details during a testimony.

  11. Red Alto (12) – An octave above the blue alto saxophone. Used for when you want to get sexy.

  12. Rezealient (7) – American spelling of resilient.

  13. Dandy Gent (14) – Performance art gone bad as Dandy has been stitched inside a horse suit and the male horses (aka colts) have found the one opening.

  14. Barry the Baptist (1)  – Not as famous as John, Paul, George or Ringo.

  15. Sasko (8) – A giant, hairy, up-right, walking, ape-like creature that plays cricket for Bendigo East. Handy left-arm pace. Not likely to trouble the scorers with the bat.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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