No Jobs Means Growth in Golden Square

By on October 1, 2018

Extra self-service checkouts have been installed in Golden Square, and the locals couldn’t be happier.

“Volunteering is a great thing, and there’s no better business to support,” said one local.

Yes, slavery, or unpaid work, used to be a dirty word.

“But if it’s volunteering it’s different because you want to help the business, instead of having to,” said the local.

Yes, right across Australia people are volunteering to help big business grow.

“And by not employing any of the skilled and eager unemployed in Golden Square, we’re shifting money out of our economy and into offshore, tax-free, island accounts in places like the Cayman Islands, where people live on boats, luxury boat people we’re helping, not those scummy ones that just come here to pay taxes, but the luxury ones who don’t,” said the local.

Isn’t progress great.

“Yes, obviously this means less jobs in the low skilled entry level workforce, like students who are being given bigger study debt and priced out of home ownership, but as long as I can volunteer to help luxury boat people overseas who cares about the local community?” said the local.

Of course the alternative to this is use a cashier, but who wants the pain of human interaction?

“They say things like, ‘How are you?’ and ‘Do you want a hand with that?’ Yuck! It sickness me just to hear them speak,” said the local.

So less jobs in the local area means more profits for those living overseas.

“It’s win, win,” said the local.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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