Supermarket’s New Milk Pricing Policy Sent to Encourage Consumers to Shoot the Baby Themselves

By on May 25, 2016
Udder disgrace. Udder disgrace.

A leading supermarket chain is aiming to win praise for fixing a problem it helped create.

In a shallow attempt at positive PR, the supermarket – which can’t be named because they’d love the free advertising – is creating a charity brand of milk and jacking the price of it up by 25 cents.

“Yes, we feel an extra 25 cents is the right amount people should pay for milk,” said Bridgette Cutthroat, spokesperson for the arseholes.

“We already knew farmers needed that to afford to have children, hire staff, build infrastructure and retire before they’re 87.”

The supermarket has recently had bad press, as its aggressive discounting of milk has been linked to increased suicide rates and family business bankruptcy in regional Australia.

“But now we’re going to pass that magic bullet onto the consumer, because we believe in capitalism via democracy, and people should be able to shoot the babies themselves if they want to buy our brand of cut price milk over our brand of charity stuff.”

When a duopoly acts like a monopoly to squeeze a producer with no other avenue to market, this kind of thing is bound to happen.

“This situation’s not our fault,” claims Ms Cutthroat.

“We blame the competitor.”

The extra payment system is an interesting initiative that they hope to roll out onto other products such as paying extra for clothes that they (seriously this time) guarantee are not produced in sweatshops, and eggs that they’re pretty sure haven’t been laid by hens doped up on mescaline.

“Yes, the 25 cents will entirely go to those struggling farmers who keep sending us emails written in Caps Lock.”

“This is not like one of those kickback charities you see with cancer, where the administrator syphons off hundreds of thousands of dollars for administration costs and other made-up bullshit.”

“You can trust us.”

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