Americans to Lose Right to Bear Arms

By on October 12, 2016
Spokesbear against bear arm ownership

In a shake-up to the American election, one candidate is to end American’s right to bear arms.

“It’s long overdue,” said a campaign insider. “Arm ownership in this country has gotten out of hand, so to speak.”

Gorilla arms, sloth arms and human arms have been used for posturing purposes over recent years (muscles shirt sales have also climbed), but bear arm ownership is the specific concern.

“Frankly people don’t need bear arms. They’re big, clumsy and not useful in daily life,” said the insider.

The opposition predictably took an opposing and alarmist view. “This will be the first step. They’ll be taking our duck wings and collection of fly legs next.”

“Not true,” said the insider.

“Yes it is,” said the opposition.

“Nup,” the insider.

“Sure. They wont be happy until everyone is armless and helpless against any form of attack,” said the opposition.

“No evidence! Firstly, what about karate kicks to the face and rapid farting to the face? Arms don’t stop those,” said insider.

“You can fend them with elbow blocks,” opposition.

“Bullshit,” insider.

“Ya,” opposition.

“Well, anyway, terrorists aren’t entering the country powered by curry and baked beans.”

“It could happen. You’ll be giving them an excuse to try it.”

“Nope, people don’t need bear arms, they only use them to display over the fire place, like a cougar head or nose job.”

“We love our nose jobs. It’s American to have a nose job. The image of wealth is important. It’s what makes other people fear and like us. Just watch. They’ll be taking away our unnecessarily loud and powerful cars and hood ornaments next,” oppositon.

“Hood ornaments are already gone dickhead. They were dangerous, and you didn’t need them.”

“Yes we do!”

“No way! You even forgot they were gone,”

A spokesbear said, “Gerr, gerr, argy, roar.”

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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