Bendigo Orienteering Squad Aiming for Gold

By on July 23, 2016
Some dude trying to out run a cyborg while looking for a hill that isn't there. Poor chap.

“The Olympic’s are right around the corner and it’s time to take things seriously,” said Errol Flynn, Bendigo Orienteering Society team captain.
“None of this jogging into the bush, looking for a flag on a tree, and jogging back.
“It’s time for the next level.”
Mr Flynn is convinced that with heavy training a gold medal is within the team’s grasp.
“We’ve got a good young squad and it’s time for them to really be put to the test.”
The plans are simple.
“The first step is to put a bag over their head and beat them with a stick.
“Then I’ll drive them eight hours out of town, kick them in the gut a few times, push them into a ditch and tell them to find their own way home.”
It is tough love from the orienteering devotee, but it’s not as harsh as it sounds.
“In keeping with orienteering rules I’ll give them a map, which in this case will be buried under bracken within a square kilometre and missing a few topographical indicators, and for a compass I’ll remind them how to make one using a still pool of water, ionised rock and a twig.”
Aside from Olympic selection there will be an extra incentive.
“After a four minute acclimatisation period I’ll release a pack of attack dogs and a cyborg.”
Mr Flynn thinks this should pose no great difficulty for Bendigo’s team.
“Since most of the squad are under 15 they should be fit enough to evade decapitation and mauling.”
With standards high there’ll still be one final hurdle for seats on the plane to Rio.
“First arrivals will then fight to the death using desk lamps,” said Mr Flynn.
Since orienteering is not an Olympic sport Errol Flynn’s preparations appear a little extreme.
“Hmm,” he says once informed. “Well, to avoid spoilers I already kidnapped the kids and ditched them eight days ago.
“Hmm,” he says in consideration. “I better call my wife.”

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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