Scientists Prove Running on a Treadmill Doesn’t Make You Go Anywhere

By on July 8, 2016
Dr Phil Shambrook alongside a volunteer, moments before his ground breaking step into science history. Picture: EMMA D'AGOSTINO

Eight years of research, five years of mathematical modelling and twelve months of trials have all culminated in one demonstration this week.

“It is not an optical illusion,” said Dr Philip Shambrook while standing next to a man walking on a treadmill.

“This man is simply not going anywhere.”

At a sports laboratory in La Trobe University, Bendigo, Dr Shambrook explained, “Our volunteer could run as hard as he likes and he will not, I repeat, will not overtake me.”

To prove this theory Dr Shambrook then awed the crowd by taking a single step forward.

“See, I am now ahead of him.”

Research volunteer Dave Brubeck dutiful attempted to jog, skip, hop, run, frolic, strut, stride, pogo pogo, march, silly walk and even nutbush his way forward, yet the treadmill neutralised his progress.

“Huff and puff as he might,” said Dr Shambrook while gesturing to Mr Brubeck. “He will remain stationary.”

A round of applause as the theory became practically proved.

Cheese Pritchard, La Trobe University’s Dean of Studies, said, “We’re all mightily pleased of the result. Some of us never thought we’d see the day that reverse treadmill physics would be disproved.”

“It’s a crowning achievement for the faculty.”

But what’s next for the research team?

Dr Shambrook answered, “I’ve been curious about bungy jumping for a while, and am interested in the affect that would have on someone using a parachute.”

Only time will tell what their next scientific research will uncover, and the Bendigo Standard wish the team all the best in their quest.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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