Even Shit Babies Proven To Be Cute

By on December 7, 2016

Known for screaming at all hours in a crying hail of ferocity, shitting sludge in multiple of colours, and being completely useless at a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos, babies have been proven to be darn cute.

It’s their small button nose and tiny smile,” said proud father David Frost, 26, of Long Gully. “Just don’t breathe-in because, well, it seems like it ate a dead rat.”

However it’s not the small stature of the body that counts for their high ranking on a cuteness scale.

Think of dwarfism.

Is Gimli son of Gloin cute?

Is Damien Oliver the jockey cute?

Is Peter Dinklage cute? No, he’s a bad-arse, but he’s not cutesy-wootsy.

How ’bout the cubby cheeks?” asks Mr Frost.

Nope, that didn’t work for Jabba the Hutt.


It’s elements of all these things combined with doe-eyes under a large-ish forehead, a trick employed by infants and Walt Disney, when drawing rabbits, mice and pigs, to bring the young’uns sympathy and emit a feeling of protection.

Well yeah, I’d do anything for him, or her, I don’t care, it’s not actually my child,” said Mr Frost – now under custody.

The cuteness is essential, as the average child will cost each parent upwards of $240,000, or more if the child is a prick and later requires court costs for arson and/or beheading.

Knowing my luck the kid will be really smart and need glasses and shit,” said Mr Frost. “Still, look at those eyes.”

Even at $18 per day, it’s a picture good enough for a meme… link: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10157867490815788&set=a.10150789360685788.734678.731775787&type=3&theater

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

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