New Windows 10 Update Offers Hitman Service

By on December 20, 2016
Actual screenshot

“Usually I say, ‘Bloody Microsoft,’ but this update could be really useful,” said Craig McLachlan, 37, Kangaroo Flat.

While most people agree that if they wanted their computer to be updated they’d just buy a new computer, the new Microsoft Windows update has a special and very appealing feature.

“It says it can ‘Add, edit or remove other people,’” explained Mr McLachlan. “At first I was like, awesome, I’m going to add that Scarlett Johansson chick. I’d like to click on her inbox. Hehehehe.”

Smut aside, Mr McLachlan’s priorities soon took a sharp turn.

“Then I though, narr, I’ve been jerked up the wall lately, I’m going to remove Gary. He’s a total dicknob.”

Yes, Gary is a dicknob, who doesn’t pay for his round at the pub and is constantly late to training, that’s despite not even having a job, what’s his excuse, where has he got to be all the time, he’s not filling out his centrelink form that’s for sure, he’s probably off somewhere selling, you know what I mean.

Then Mr McLachlan had another idea, “But I thought, Gary’s got a kid, you can’t off a guy with a kid, I mean, the mum’s no good, she’d just sell the lad for a packet of filters, what hope has the kid got with her, so I might just edit Gary from a dicknob to an alright bloke, not a champ, that would use too much data, but an alright bloke, that’ll be doable.”

Yes, the new update appears set to make the world a slightly better place.

All items on this website are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

About Luke Morris

After writing skits, columns and stories for a university magazine, Luke was a copywriter and web content manager in the wine industry. Since then he has written documentary and comedy treatments for television and cinema, as well as education, short story and humour blogs, short stage plays, humour articles, and novels. His work has been used by LeftLion, Fairfax, Play6, The Curio, Vinified, and various other blogs and businesses. He has appeared at stand-up shows in Australia, England and Iceland, and is active with Bendigo Comedy.

Leave a Reply and win at life

%d bloggers like this: