Research Shows Dogs Don’t Use Tinder

By on December 11, 2016

After two years of studying canine mating, Dr Richard Feynman has come to a conclusion.

“At first it was bizarre,” said Dr Feynman. “Dogs were out there, producing puppies, but we could identify no access to online dating.”

The good Doctor set up cameras in kennels and hired interpreters to assist with interviews.

“We had Ivan Pavlov join the project, but all he would do was ring a bell and make them salivate. Cool party tick but not what we needed,” said Dr Feynman.

Next they wanted to see if dogs obtained Wi-Fi via their paws.

“We got in Michael Faraday and he suggested we put the dogs in a cage made of a wire mesh, but he’s always saying stuff like that. It’s a real problem. He watches too much MMA,” said Dr Feynman.

The Wi-Fi issue was resolved when it was noticed by Dian Fossey that dogs lack a operational thumb to text with.

“We’re not even sure if dogs have elbows. I mean, do they have four elbows or four knees? We asked Henry Grey about it but his knowledge of dog anatomy is rubbish,” said Dr Feynman.

Finally, after months of watching dogs hump, the research team hit upon an answer.

“William was shaving with his razor in Occam, when he called to say, ‘Maybe we’re over thinking this,’ and I was like, ‘How do you mean?’ and he was like, ‘I’ll be right in,’ so I sat in the office with Emo Rubik solving his childish cube game and waited,” said Dr Feynman.

After two years it had been observed that dogs smell each other’s butt before copulation.

“We asked Marie Curie if she would help us with human trials, but she saw right through that plan, like it was x-ray or something,” said Dr Feynman.

With butt smelling established, how this works on the physics of attraction is the next big question.

“It might just be animal magnetism, but don’t asked me to explain magnetism,” said Dr Feynman. “All I know is that physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.”

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