Missed out on tickets? Grounded by your parents? Too unpopular to have anyone to attend with? That’s okay. You don’t need to attend the Bendigo Showgrounds to experience the joys of a music festival. All you need is a little space, a speaker system, and these top tips:
If your backyard isn’t somebody’s house you can cut up the soil, pump over some grey water, and roll around in it like a dog in faeces. Failing that luxury there’s plenty of earth to be recovered from the nature strip (assuming it hasn’t been subdivided into a house).
Everyone is wearing onesie’s these days. It brings an atmosphere of Carnivàle, but rather than be a Tigger or unicorn, put some effort into the day so you get the most out of it – much as with gambling. Dress as Sexual Harassment Panda, Unprotected Sex Stork, Tinnitus Pterodactyl, or Look After Your Mate Bilby. Not only will you have fun as a character for the day, but you could learn something.
Ask a stranger to make a music playlist, being sure they choose bands you kind-of like, include bands you don’t like, and cut the best songs off half way through, all to recreate the feeling of just missing out on hearing our favourite tunes because a friend wanted to see some shit band. Then hire a person to stand behind you and shout, not sing but shout, the lyrics of all the songs through a megaphone for the real crowd atmosphere.
Block the toilet
Cram toilet paper into the S bend and flush so contaminated water backs out of the cistern, then urinate on the walls and floor, add mud to the basin, and if possible place some used band-aids and hypodermic needles around the room. Along with an odour cake of Vegan Curry House Diarrhoea this should give any bathroom the music festival touch.
It is hard to find the thin paper tape bands that music festivals use, so use a cable tie and tighten it until your hand turns blue.
VIP Area & Chill Out Room
Set up a housemate/sibling/parent’s room as the VIP area and charge them admission. Be sure to use your own bedroom as the Chill Out Room, adding a blue light for mood stabilisation and a volunteer member of the St. John of God for chest pumping if required.
No festival is complete without possibly harmful hallucinogens. Raid a medicine cabinet and pour all the tablets you can find into one bag. Then take a pill at random every ten minutes until you start to feel something.
Pretend it’s a four day camping festival and erect a tent in the lounge room. This will be great for movement, and if it’s a share house you could sub-rent your bedroom and save cash monies.
Charge $12 for a glass of water, and then $10 for refills from the tap.
As our friend Tinnitus Pterodactyl says, “Ear plugs make sense.” and they’re much better than wearing a butt plug for the day… for most people.