In a daring attempt to combine divine intervention with in-flight entertainment, Qantas has unveiled The Way of the Cross—a live biblical passion play performed at 30,000 feet, exclusively on its Bendigo–Sydney route.
The immersive performance, which premiered during a bleary-eyed 6:45 a.m. service, features cabin crew in full biblical costume re-enacting the final hours of Jesus Christ, from the Last Supper (served as a cold muffin and juice box) to a surprisingly moving crucifixion.
Passengers were reportedly caught off guard when the standard safety demonstration took a sudden turn: “In the unlikely event of divine betrayal, your life jacket is under your seat,” intoned Pontius Pilate, played by Tracy the flight attendant.
The crucifixion scene proved logistically difficult. “It was absolute hell trying to get a full-sized cross through Sydney Airport,” said stage manager–slash–First Officer Craig, while reapplying Jesus’ crown of thorns with zip ties. “We ended up fashioning a collapsible version out of tray tables, a crutch from the lost-and-found, and two emergency exit signs.” The climactic moment is staged in the first two rows, allowing Jesus to be tastefully illuminated by the aisle lights. “The turbulence really sells the suffering,” Craig added. “Very method.”
The production includes smoke effects, a looped Gregorian chant on the intercom, and a 30-minute holding pattern over Sydney to symbolise the Ascension. “It’s less of a landing delay and more of a spiritual delay,” a Qantas rep confirmed.
“I thought it was a bit full-on,” said Michelle D’Astero, a first-time flyer who just wanted to visit her niece in Bondi. “One minute I’m watching how to use an oxygen mask, the next minute a Roman centurion is nailing someone to a repurposed food trolley. I just wanted a tiny bottle of water.”
The Australian Atheist Society has filed a formal complaint with the Civil Aviation Authority, calling the production “more harrowing than Jetstar.”
Qantas has responded by offering affected passengers 500 bonus Frequent Forgiveness Points and a complimentary Holy Mount Franklin Water, which the head of inflight catering has personally blessed.
Next week, all in-flight crucifixions will be followed by tea, coffee, or a complimentary gluten-free communion wafer.
Meanwhile, Jetstar has announced its faith-based initiative: a low-budget production of Noah’s Ark.
