Local man Nathan Gills was found in a state near death last night after his delivery driver, Dylan Simmons, made an emergency detour to the Strath Apco for dim sims and a Big M.
“I tracked him on the app, and he was literally three minutes away,” Gills wheezed from his couch, clutching an empty stomach that allegedly began growling in Morse code. “Then he veered off like he was fleeing the cops on Highway Patrol.”
Simmons defended his actions, claiming, “I needed fuel for the road. Delivering HSPs is hard yakka.” Witnesses report he spent 15 minutes debating between Chicken Salt or Soy Sauce.
Gills, now the size of a broomstick, told The Bendigo Standard he considered eating the cushions but held out hope.
Gills’ HSP eventually arrived ice-cold, prompting him to file a formal complaint while sucking the life out of some meat like it was a survival ration.
