Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Finance is in your future this week as you are taken in by the glamour and glitz of online poker and develop carpal tunnel syndrome. Your workouts would be more effective if you stopped eating between sets. There’s nothing good on tonight.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Succeeding at sucking is not really success. Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 42 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll step back into the ring and kick karma’s butt this week. Just don’t scream for Adrian, that’s so 1976. They know about the pet hamsters. All your furniture has moved one inch to the left, or has it?
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. Buy a cat and name it Chris. It will get you out of a jam. You’re the reason vinyl is making a comeback. Teach your daughter all you know about tattoo removal.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A wave of nostalgia hits you on Friday, but don’t get caught in the undertow and end up wearing Crocs and a Flashdance sweatshirt to work on Monday.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Be all you can be this week. But realize there are some things you can’t be. Like a goldfish, a rhombus, or sympathetic toward the Kardashians. You claim to want “honest criticism” of your work. Then You commit hara-kiri on the floor when people say they don’t like it.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Sometimes setting a goal is like setting a table: there are too many forks. Start small with a KFC spork, and work your way up to the big stuff. The reason you don’t “Hulk out” when you’re angry is that you refuse to buy that many pairs of new pants.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
God won’t be able to hear you as he’s too busy giving Aries’ everything they ask for. Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family. You want to listen to your higher self, but your internal cell phone reception sucks like the reception in Huntly – absolute crap.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Family is in your future this week as you Netflix and chill with your parents. You are often found opening and shutting the refrigerator door, attempting to trick the light inside.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. If your phone’s camera breaks on Thursday, thank it for saving your butt and not uploading stupid video’s to TikTok.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don’t do it!