Your Horoscope – Week Of December 3, 2018

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will receive a phone call tonight. Wait for six rings before answering. • The Feds want to talk about your surfing habits • People like you make me sick. • Your next Career: Skeptic

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Big success and crushing failure this week! • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The spider that bit you in your sleep was radioactive and you now have super powers. Go try them out! • Every time you lay your head on the pillow, a luminous red dot appears on your forehead. • It’s as bad as you think.

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

A man with a beak will attempt to bill you. • Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family. • Your fun side comes out in obscene ways. • You’re no fun. No fun at all.

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Yeah, she was talking about you. • People like you make me sick. • Your next Career: Professor of Deja vu studies • Adopt a chicken.

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Do it! • You will find a Ferret in your laundry. • Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets. • Your lucky number is a bakers dozen.

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will be killed by Drop Bears. • Your socks don’t match. • Someone who you least expect to be interested…isn’t. • Stop being late all the time.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will receive a phone call from yourself in the future. • Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! • Good things come in tiny packages.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You won’t have enough to cover your tab. Wear running shoes. • A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in the weekend. • Good things come in ones. • You will get a worthless coupon in the mail.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Don’t wear sunscreen this month. • There’s no time like 1853 – The year or the army time, it’s up to you

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your next shower will be interrupted by a large mildly poisonous insect. • Hug your pharmacist. • A windfall of lunchmeat awaits.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will get a phone call that will change your life as it relates to pizza. • Your organs will be harvested and marketed as souvenirs to the Xeaibobia Tribe of New Guinea.