Here are your Horoscopes for this week.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your coworkers are planning your birthday party. But they have the wrong date. • Your socks don’t match.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A fart plays a pivotal role in your relationship. • Call in sick. You’ll know why.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. • Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder!


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your car has a flat. • You will find yourself nervous and gassy this evening.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The only thing to fear is fear itself. • While you were at work a stranger showered in your bathroom.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial. • The bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Work out. Then again, why bother?  • You will develop an attractive skin condition.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your workouts would be more effective if you stopped eating between sets. • Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19