Here are your Horoscopes for this week.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your dog will forget your birthday. • New job opportunity is on the horizon after you score a job as an Optometrist just so you can tell your work colleagues there’s no ‘eye’ in team. Your dog will get a letter from Dogwarts on their 11th birthday


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A windfall is in your future. Go to an expensive restaurant wearing a top hat and monocle and order bowtie pasta because you’re trendy as F. • You will discover your partner is a fan of The Addams Family, but will still get upset about the severed hand in your glove box


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your favourite tree died last week so bury it in a wooden box. Change your mind about taking the Myers Briggs personality test. You are already awesome. • Buy a bum bag this week so you have a place to keep your dignity.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don’t download Ed Sheeran’s latest album coz you’re not a 16-year-old girl. • You will discover someone in your house has sucked all the chocolate off all the Tim Tams but the packet wasn’t opened.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will discover even though you’re broke you still have more money than the US Government. • Go on a talent show acting out scenes of Harry Potter with your pets.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Use your inside voice • When someone cuts you off in traffic this week, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will discover how easy it is to get a medical certificate when you get one to excuse your farts. • Your aura is dim. Have it checked.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Three words: Learn how to count. • Today is the last day of the rest of your life.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19