Your Horoscope – Week Of February 11, 2019

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your dog will forget your birthday. • New job opportunity is on the horizon after you score a job as an Optometrist just so you can tell your work colleagues there’s no ‘eye’ in team. Your dog will get a letter from Dogwarts on their 11th birthday

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Dust the floor in flour, cover yourself self in olive oil, roll around in the flour and pretend you’re a piece of battered fish. Don’t ask why. • You will find a turtle in your laundry.

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Change is on the horizon. Time to stop buying Lynx Africa. You’re 35 for Pete’s sake. • You will discover you have no friends named Pete

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

A windfall is in your future. Go to an expensive restaurant wearing a top hat and monocle and order bowtie pasta because you’re trendy as F. • You will discover your partner is a fan of The Addams Family, but will still get upset about the severed hand in your glove box

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your favourite tree died last week so bury it in a wooden box. Change your mind about taking the Myers Briggs personality test. You are already awesome. • Buy a bum bag this week so you have a place to keep your dignity.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don’t download Ed Sheeran’s latest album coz you’re not a 16-year-old girl. • You will discover someone in your house has sucked all the chocolate off all the Tim Tams but the packet wasn’t opened.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will discover even though you’re broke you still have more money than the US Government. • Go on a talent show acting out scenes of Harry Potter with your pets.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Use your inside voice • When someone cuts you off in traffic this week, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will discover how easy it is to get a medical certificate when you get one to excuse your farts. • Your aura is dim. Have it checked.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Three words: Learn how to count. • Today is the last day of the rest of your life.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will receive a phone call from yourself in the future. • Why be yourself when you can be someone more interesting?

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will discover your Koala was made by Koala slaves on 20c a day. • Feel good about yourself now? Buy a cat and name it Chris. It will get you out of a jam.