Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A fart will follow you into the car, ruining your date. • Your gas problem is not going unnoticed. • Your lucky colour is white • Your lucky number is 1


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Chewing gum will save your life this week. • You’re no athlete. Stop kidding yourself. • Friendships and social circles will turn on you in the coming days. •  Your lucky colour is however long you like cooking your steak for •  Your lucky number is -7


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Nothing tastes as sweet as winning. Except for winning at the expense of others. Remember that. • Your baby is ugly but no one has the guts to tell you. You’re welcome • Your lucky colour is foxy boxer bronze • Your lucky number is Pie… also your favourite food, aren’t you lucky?


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The spider that bit you in your sleep was radioactive and you now have superpowers. Go try them out! • You have something in your teeth • Your lucky colour is Thanos purple  • Your lucky number is whatever the fuel price is.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your life is a series of ups and downs. Like a toilet plunger. • The hardest part is ahead. Stay home and rest. • Good things come in ones. • Succeeding at sucking is not really success. • Your lucky colour is ranga red • Your lucky number is whatever the price of low fat, long life milk is these days.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

 A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in your relationship this week. • You will suddenly understand both particle physics and empathy. • Venus is making itself felt in your pants today after you fart. • Your lucky colour is pomeranian orange. • Your lucky number is… wait, how many Avengers are left after in Infinity War? That’s your number, I can’t be bothered googling it.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Sell! • Someone will spit in your taco. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow. • Your lucky colour is Qantas red • Your lucky number is 68.9


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Nothing will make sense this week • You aren’t as attractive as your driver’s license indicates. • Hug your pharmacist. • All your furniture has moved one inch to the left. • Your lucky colour is computer mouse grey • Your lucky number is whatever colour socks your wearing. You figure it out.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21