Your Horoscope – Week Of January 14, 2019

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your mother will try to call you 30 times but you won’t answer your phone once • It’s your birthday so opt for plastic surgery. Label the right part before you go under or they’ll have no clue where to start. • Your lucky colour is your couch colour • Your lucky number is: Pick a number between 1 and 9… you’re right, it was that number.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A fart will follow you into the car, ruining your date. • Your gas problem is not going unnoticed. • Your lucky colour is white • Your lucky number is 1

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Today will be full of hits, misses, and gun jams. • Have you changed your diet recently? It smells like it. • Your fun side comes out in obscene ways. • Your lucky colour is booger green • Your lucky number is -1

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your neighbour harbours a deep resentment. • Stop making so many weird noises at night. Your neighbour can hear you and can no longer make eye contact. • Your lucky colour cinnamon • Your lucky number is 0

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Chewing gum will save your life this week. • You’re no athlete. Stop kidding yourself. • Friendships and social circles will turn on you in the coming days. • Your lucky colour is however long you like cooking your steak for • Your lucky number is -7

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Nothing tastes as sweet as winning. Except for winning at the expense of others. Remember that. • Your baby is ugly but no one has the guts to tell you. You’re welcome • Your lucky colour is foxy boxer bronze • Your lucky number is Pie… also your favourite food, aren’t you lucky?

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The spider that bit you in your sleep was radioactive and you now have superpowers. Go try them out! • You have something in your teeth • Your lucky colour is Thanos purple • Your lucky number is whatever the fuel price is.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your life is a series of ups and downs. Like a toilet plunger. • The hardest part is ahead. Stay home and rest. • Good things come in ones. • Succeeding at sucking is not really success. • Your lucky colour is ranga red • Your lucky number is whatever the price of low fat, long life milk is these days.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in your relationship this week. • You will suddenly understand both particle physics and empathy. • Venus is making itself felt in your pants today after you fart. • Your lucky colour is pomeranian orange. • Your lucky number is… wait, how many Avengers are left after in Infinity War? That’s your number, I can’t be bothered googling it.

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Sell! • Someone will spit in your taco. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow. • Your lucky colour is Qantas red • Your lucky number is 68.9

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Nothing will make sense this week • You aren’t as attractive as your driver’s license indicates. • Hug your pharmacist. • All your furniture has moved one inch to the left. • Your lucky colour is computer mouse grey • Your lucky number is whatever colour socks your wearing. You figure it out.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You believe in Deja Vu. • Your aura is dim. Have it checked. • You need to spend some time thinking about your future. • A fart plays a pivotal role in your relationship. • You will buy some minors alcohol today. • You believe in Deja Vu • Your lucky number is whatever radio station you’re listening to • Your lucky colour is pitbull white • Your lucky number is whatever radio station you’re listening to • Your lucky colour is pitbull white