Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It’s your birthday but no one cares. • Hey, look over there. Made you look • Your soulmate is on the Long Gully bus.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will get a phone call that will change your life as it relates to pizza. • Your tyres were just slashed. • Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets. • The sun is shining up your ass. That’s why It’s so hot.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will suddenly realize you’re naked on public transportation. • Your paranoia is justified. • Walk it off. • Take a chance on that hottie in the mall with the odd limp


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Put yourself out there. • Your clothes all need to be replaced. • Stay away from the parrot. • The police are listening. • It’s OK, it happens to everyone. Just not as often.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Eat more fruit. • Wipe the seat, pig.  • Call in sick. You’ll know why. • Your poker face needs work. • You’ve always been committed to being yourself. Stop it.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will step in something in a few minutes. • Your bank is stealing from you. • Your mailman is sleeping with your mother. • Try a new deodorant


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will be the butt of a hilarious joke. • Quit your job. Who needs that crap? • You will buy some minors alcohol today. • Defrost your freezer before it’s too late.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Good things come in tiny packages. • Hold out for a better deal from your boss when he offers to fire you. • Wash your hands more often.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19