Here are your Horoscopes for this week.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

The things, you say Your purple prose just gives you away • You’re unbelievable


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Aldi has some weird crap on sale this week and it’s all your fault • Don’t be a jerk in the mall


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your fitted sheets don’t want to be folded • Use up all your annual leave to lay in bed for the whole 2 weeks and just stare at the ceiling.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Go somewhere classy and wear only a top hat and monocle, yes just those • share a half-half pizza with your dog


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Don’t worry about it, it was an accident • you will resist the urge to call human services on parents making their kid wear a Collingwood jumper.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

There’s no point in trying this week when you forget how to parallel park • You’ve got rhythm and music, who could ask for anything more?


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

A couple of guys up to no good will start causing trouble in your neighbourhood. Your mum will get scared and move you in with your rich aunt and uncle.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Put a recipe for chocolate crackle instead of an inspirational Instagram quote, then you’ll get the respect you deserve.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19