Your Horoscope – Week Of November 19, 2018

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your parents wanted a boy. • Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Keep a close eye on your bank balance today, which shouldn’t be hard given that you’re nearly broke. • Your hair is plotting against you again.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Throw the baby out with the bathwater. • You’re not the only one who thinks you’re inadequate.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task. • Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

That hot tip you got will make you look foolish. • A stranger may mean you harm this week so greet everyone with a blood-curdling shriek.

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll be more inclined to relax almost to the point of coma. • You will be taken in by the glamour and glitz of online poker and develop carpal tunnel syndrome.

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The receptionist is reading your mail. • Quit your job. Who needs that crap? • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder!

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The body under the couch is starting to smell. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. • Keep your mood swings under control. • Clean the gutters, so to speak.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You won’t have enough to cover your tab. Wear running shoes. • You will have a chance encounter with romance today so take a bath for god’s sake.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Yep, it’s contagious. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Your heroes are all cowards.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Nothing tastes as sweet as winning. Except for winning at the expense of others. Remember that. • Tomorrow brings more soup so eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.