Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

 

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your parents wanted a boy. • Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task. • Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The receptionist is reading your mail. • Quit your job. Who needs that crap? • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder!


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The body under the couch is starting to smell. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. • Keep your mood swings under control. • Clean the gutters, so to speak.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You won’t have enough to cover your tab. Wear running shoes. • You will have a chance encounter with romance today so take a bath for god’s sake.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Yep, it’s contagious. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Your heroes are all cowards.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Nothing tastes as sweet as winning. Except for winning at the expense of others. Remember that. • Tomorrow brings more soup so eat out more, but eat less when you’re out.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Your zipper is down. Really… you should check it… I’m not lying. Made you look! • No one makes eating noises quite like you.