Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
I know you are pretty good at handling money and balancing your funds, but you might need to cut back this week. Not due to a screw up on your part, but because an unexpected expense will pop up this week. I don’t know if it’ll be your weird car needing a part, or a hospital visit for a broken finger or have to pay off strangers when they witness you doing something strange. Just be ready for a blowout. Your next career: Professional Pop! Vinyl collector.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It’s lockdown and you will forget what day it is and every night will be taco night this week. You have something in your teeth. Really, I promise… Haha made you look. Hide from those who tickle you. Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. Your next career: Apprentice air traffic controller.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Opportunities are heading your way this week so kill two birds with one stone. You may be the coolest kid on the block, but that will change when you finally get your heater fixed. Just in time, too; you’ve been shivering so fast, your friends think you’re out of focus. Your next career: Carny.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Finance is in your future this week as a duck sends you a bill. Pay it in bread. You can accomplish anything, as long as it’s painfully easy. You will find ways to successfully smoke in the shower. Your next career: BWS door greeter.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your life will be a series of ups and downs this week, like a toilet plunger. God will tell you the meaning of your existence but in a thick, unintelligible accent. Stop telling everyone it’s nearly your birthday. Your next Career: Professional Eshay.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will have a chance encounter with romance this week so take a bath for god’s sake and stop using covid as an excuse. Make friends with sock puppets because you can’t have your real friends over during lockdown. Quit your job. Who needs that crap? Your next Career: Unknown Graphic Novelist.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You are awesome. All your dreams will come true this week. Everyone wants to be you. You are amazing, everything you do its magic. Your next career: Whatever you want to be, you’re awesome.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your father is neither an astronaut or Jeff Bezos. You will seize the attention in any way you possibly can. The grass is always greener on the other side unless your dog has been sneaking over there and peeing on it. Your next career: Astronaut’.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Chewing gum will save your life this week. There’s a video of you on YouTube that you should probably investigate. Call in sick. You’ll know why. It’s as bad as you think. Your next career: Professional voice over artist.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Beverages are in your future so stick to tea and quit coffee. Don’t ask your next-door neighbour in the tube top and 80s Hammer pants to be your personal shopper. You will step in something in a few minutes. Your next career: Drunk.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Try not to get in the middle of two of your good friends fighting this week! Not only may you get “accidentally” kicked in the groin, but you don’t want one of them to hate you because you’re nosy. Your next career: Gangster Florist.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Look over your tax return again. Boy, are you gonna crap yourself! You like your coffee straight out of the bag, eaten with a spoon. You are a hilarious drunk. Your next Career: Pet Therapist.