Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting. You will have a chance encounter with romance today so take a bath for god’s sake. Nothing tastes as sweet as winning. Except for winning at the expense of others. Remember that.

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Keep a close eye on your bank balance today, which shouldn’t be hard given that you’re nearly broke. Quit your job. Who needs that crap? You find your new feelings rather confusing.

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will find yourself nervous and gassy this week. While you were away from home, a stranger showered in your bathroom. Think twice. Think twice.

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Health is in your future. A sneeze will nearly cripple you tomorrow. Romance is very definitely in the air…wait, that’s doughnuts. Your car has a flat

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your carpet will stop matching your curtains sometime this week. You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. Succeeding at sucking is not really success.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Friendship is in your future when you buy some minors alcohol. Venus is making itself felt in your pants today. You’ll get ‘Mmm Bop’ stuck in your head for the next week.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Teach your daughter all you know about tattoo removal. Sometimes setting a goal is like setting a table: Someone may give you a present for working so hard, such as fresh lemons, a purple blender or a life-sized poster of Mick Taylor from Wolf Creek wearing a smiley face button.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Career is in the future when you discover that favorite coworker of yours secretly hates you. A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in the weekend.

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will be taken in by the glamour and glitz of online poker and develop carpal tunnel syndrome. Against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Believe everything you read.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The spider that bit you in your sleep was radioactive and you now have super powers. An argument with Claude will lead to romantic entanglement. You are not allergic to your brothers dog.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Disappointment will be your future this week when you realize that the caged budgie isn’t so much singing as pleading desperately for its life to end. Buy a cat and name it Carl. That smell IS you. Seriously.

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