Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your doctor will stuff up your surgery. It will be no big deal. You’ve always worn your heart on your sleeve.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will re-enact scenes from Lord Of The Rings with your cat but it ends up being Harry Potter instead.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse as your spouse will steal all the change out of your car ashtray to feed their McDonald’s frozen coke addiction.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will go on an unexpected trip to the supermarket and find $1 in a supermarket trolley that no one else has been able to remove.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will be unable to cook toast and every slice will be perfect on one side and burnt on the other. Apply for the next season of Masterchef.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You won’t be able to stop farting. What’s new? Your family won’t notice as they’re used to the smell.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Spend all your money on the lottery. This time it’s gonna happen.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Spend less time worrying about appearances and more time worrying about how people see you.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

God won’t be able to hear you as he’s too busy giving Aquarius’s everything they ask for.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will find your remote behind the cushion. The one for the last TV you had.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will get frisked at the Cinema’s by the Ticket Usher as he thinks your wallet, keys and phone in one pocket are a can of soft drink. He will take you out for a dinner and a movie.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will fall over in public and everyone will ask you how was your trip. Key their cars