Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Do something for yourself! Have a beer with a friend. In fact, come over here and bring me beer because I’m running low. Party like it’s your birthday, but make sure it’s at another person’s place so you don’t have to clean up. Oh wait, is lockdown still happening? Bugger. Way to ruin your birthday. Thanks Dictator Dan. Keep a close eye on your bank balance today, which shouldn’t be hard given that you’re nearly broke. Your next career: Carny.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial. They wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it. You have a great singing voice, stop hoarding it! If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. Your next career: Fruitcake salesperson.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Three words: Learn how to count. Shake things up this weekend with a picnic or a pole-dancing class. Your candle is burning on both ends, the middle, and you just added three wicks on the side. Time to unwind and blow out a few of the flames before you turn into a wax puddle. Your next career: Ferret Rancher.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Wake up and smell the coffee! Someone in your family will need your help this week. I know, I know, you are busy doing sweet bugger all from lockdown but you really need to drop what you are doing and help a relative out. If it’s a kid, try to spend some quality time with him. Teach him all you know about tattoo removal. Just do something or he’ll be sad. Your next career: Dog Celebrant.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Life is like those magic jelly beans from Harry Potter: just when you’re ready for something delicious, all you can taste is earwax. Spit it out and try again. By Friday, you’ll find a very sweet treat. Your next career: Cat Hair Dresser.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of little wigs and a very open-minded alpaca farmer. FYI, your curtains are not opaque. Your next career: Sexy Cake Baker.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! This week you’ll stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder. Stock up on Red Bull, sushi and massage oil. Your next career: Mouse Trap Tester.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Just remember that it is all fun and games until someone loses an eye. So stay away from BB guns and scissors this week, or wear goggles. Travel is also in your future as you discover you’re naked on public transportation. You are most likely to die by falling out of a window or getting run over by a truck, not of embarrassment. Your next career: A movie ‘Bottom Double’


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You have a stepsister living in Ballarat. She’s coming over for dinner tonight. Trick her into thinking you became a monk by shaving your head and eyebrows. Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. Your next career: Centrelink Call Centre Operator.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Someone may steal your lawnmower or you may lose your anus, we don’t know which one. How would we know? You try a new career as a Gangster Florist. There are bodies in your trunk… and some flowers from Woolies. Your next career: Professional fake best friend.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Try not to get in the middle of two of your good friends fighting this week! Not only may you get “accidentally” kicked in the groin, but you don’t want one of them to hate you because you’re nosy. Your next career: Toe Tickler.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You may get money this week! It could be from a raise, you could find some on the ground, or Claude may give you that $2 back you gave him ten years ago. The planetary influences will irritate your bowels this week. Your gas problem is not going unnoticed. Your next career: Amateur Mask Wearer.