Here are your Horoscopes for this week.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

A fart in the bath will take you by surprise this week. Time to switch to showers. By the way, your coworkers are planning your birthday party. But they have the wrong date. You’re welcome.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

That Baby Shark song will get stuck in your head. See? Even just mentioning it here you’re singing it in your mind, aren’t you? You’re welcome.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will take an unexpected trip when you fall up an escalator. Your secret admirer will send you a postcard.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your old Nintendo Wii bowling injury will flare up forcing you to give up your dreams of being a world class recorder player.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

A secret admirer will call you this week. If they don’t call it means you don’t have a secret admirer.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will accidentally grab the wrong lunch at work. You will discover it’s good luck to take a bite out of it and put it back in the fridge.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will accidentally put someone in hospital for taking a bite out of your lunch. You will be let off with only your 10th verbal warning.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You will finally pay up on a year’s worth of work casual dress fundraisers.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a leaf blower.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will suddenly realize you’re naked on public transport. You will just write it off as being empowering.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

A stranger may mean you harm this week so greet everyone with a blood-curdling shriek.