Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You are not as stupid as your friends say you are. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Breathe less. Your lucky colour is Shrek green


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

All your furniture has moved one inch to the left. • Keep all the receipts, even the embarrassing ones. • Wash your hands more often. •  Your lucky colour is Simpsons yellow.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

They know about the drop bears. • A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial. • Good things come in ones. • Your lucky colour is Clear.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will buy some minors some alcohol… sorry that should be miners • Today is the last day of the rest of your life. • All is not lost. But most of it is. • Your lucky colour is Newspaper White.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your carpet will stop matching your curtains. • It’s as bad as you think. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow. • Your lucky colour is poo brown.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your refrigerator is filthy. • You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest. • You will inadvertently shoplift several times this week. • Your lucky colour is iPhone black.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Spend less time worrying about appearances and more time worrying about how people see you. • Your smile scares children. • You need a pet. Go ask someone to pet you. • Your lucky colour is Hotdog red.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will contract an illness that’s more irritating than dangerous. • Romance is very definitely in the air…wait, that’s doughnuts. It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Your lucky colour is Hulk green.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

That favourite coworker of yours secretly hates you. • You will opt for plastic surgery this year. Label the right part before you go under or they’ll have no clue where to start. • Your seats for the show will be abysmal. • Your lucky colour is blood orange.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Keep all the receipts, even the embarrassing ones. • Today is what life’s all about. Go get ’em tiger! Yeah, she was talking about you. Your lucky colour is lightsaber red.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Against all odds, you will accomplish a basic task. • It’s probably just a big freckle. No worries An argument over a parking ticket will lead to romantic entanglement. Your lucky colour is lightsaber blue.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Yep, that’s a horse • You will scratch yourself at the absolute wrong time. A sneeze will nearly cripple you tomorrow. • Your lucky colour is lightsaber green.