Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The person in the stall before you didn’t flush. Good luck! You will fart in front of a large group tomorrow. Skinny jeans and Mexican food don’t mix.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

An empty chip bag could cause an existential crisis this week. This weekend you will be the designated driver… again. Get better friends.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

 When you asked the universe for a sign, you didn’t expect it to smack you over the head with one. You can also walk on water if you try really really hard. This usually happens in the bathtub.


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your life is a series of ups and downs. Like a toilet plunger. Keep a close eye on your bank balance today, which shouldn’t be hard given that you’re nearly broke.


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Don’t use cutlery, fingers were invented before knives and forks. Those wooden utensils suck.


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Sell all your bitcoin. Take a photo of your nose hair and create an NFT out of it instead. That favorite coworker of yours secretly hates you. Hiding your feelings is like sticking a melon baller down your pants. 


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Everyone knows it was you. The Lord is not happy with you. Repent for wearing crocs to that family event.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your home is like your very own Biodome, and you can remain indoors for months at a time. That’s how good you are.


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. Stop applying for talent shows. I’m sorry, forgive me. It’s just I’m going through a lot right now. Forget it. I was wrong. You are talented and a born leader.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your rooster wakes you every morning because it doesn’t like you. Get a dog and make it wear a rubber glove on its head instead.


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You are sympathetic and understanding of people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. Put it on instead.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You are vain and can’t tolerate honest criticism at least that’s what everyone else says. Buy a cat and name it the same as your neighbour’s dog just to confuse the crap out of them.