Emergency services were stretched to their limits last night after a Facebook invite to an underage “Red Cordial Party” spiralled into what authorities are calling “a Category 5 Hyperactive Event.”
Originally planned as a 13-year-old’s birthday, the event rapidly escalated after the host’s mum accidentally set the Facebook event to public. Within hours, over 500 sugar-crazed minors descended on the Kangaroo Flat street armed with bottles of undiluted concentrate cordial and no intention of bedtime.
“It was chaos,” said Senior Constable Gary Nutley. “We arrived to find children howling at the moon, performing Fortnite dances at 300 BPM, and chanting ‘My dad picks his bum!’ with a level of intensity typically reserved for a Taylor Swift concert.”
Several neighbours reported their yards being vandalised with toilet paper, and at least eight wheelie bins were converted into high-speed downhill racing vehicles down Queen Street.
Twenty youths were temporarily detained after sniffer dogs detected what was initially believed to be a stash of illicit substances. Tests later confirmed it was just a large zip-lock bag of Gatorade electrolyte powder being traded on the black market under the street name “Blue Blast.”
Police and health experts have issued a stern warning against drinking cordial undiluted, citing an incident during Schoolies Week where an 18-year-old attempted a “Cordial Suicide”—a cocktail of five flavours mixed undiluted with a cocktail umbrella and a glow stick.
“Our message is clear,” said Victorian Health Officer Dr. Lynette Spankley. “Always dilute your cordial. And for God’s sake, never mix V, Red Bull and Gatorade unless you’re prepared to meet your maker.”
