In a bold move to streamline the patient experience, Bendigo Health’s Emergency Department has unveiled a new express lane for neurotics.
The “Just Tell Me I’m Dying” service allows hypochondriacs, WebMD veterans, and panicked 2 am Googlers to bypass standard triage procedures and be given a vague but dramatic prognosis in under 15 minutes.
“We realised 70% of our patients just want a doctor to lock eyes with them and gravely say, ‘It’s not looking good, mate,'” said ED coordinator Dr. Sheila Grimm. “This new service saves time, lowers stress, and lets our staff focus on real emergencies, like people with a fishing lure embedded in their privates.”
Patients are ushered into a special dimly lit consultation room where an actor in a lab coat reads out dramatic one-liners such as “We’ve done all we can,” “You might want to call someone,” or the ever-popular “You’ve got hours, maybe minutes.” Dramatic sighs and clipboard drops are included at no extra charge.
“Honestly, it was a relief,” said local man Trent Holloway, who presented to the ED with a mild rash and a sense of impending doom. “The doc looked me dead in the eye and whispered, ‘It’s terminal.’ I cried for a bit, then I went home and slept like a baby.”
In addition to the express lane, the hospital is trialling a new “Reassure Me I’m Fine But in a Condescending Tone” service, which caters to patients who crave medical attention but don’t want to be shamed for wasting everyone’s time.
Hospital administrators say both services will drastically reduce wait times, nurse burnout, and the number of people Googling their symptoms in the waiting room.
“We’re all going to die someday,” Dr Grimm added. “We’re just helping you skip to the good part.”
