In what experts call “a groundbreaking new theory in medical science,” local Facebook epidemiologists have determined that the city’s 5G towers have caused the recent measles outbreak.
“Everyone knows 5G stands for Fifth Generation Sickness,” said self-appointed medical expert Craig Apple from his Strath garage-turned-podcast studio. “They disguise ’em as phone towers, but they’re just giant disease cannons pumping measles into the air.”
Despite decades of scientific evidence, the theory has gained traction in local Facebook groups, where blurry screenshots and misspelled memes reign supreme.
“I told everyone this would happen,” commented one user before sharing a 12-minute YouTube video linking 5G to both measles and the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami.
“I mean, look at it,” Stu McConjugal from Eaglehawk said, fervently pointing at his phone. “Measles spreads in 4G, but in 5G? The measles are boosted into the atmosphere faster than a TikTok dance challenge.”
“I’ve been licking shopping trolley handles for years and never got sick,” Stu told The Bendigo Standard.
Authorities have urged residents to ignore any medical advice from people who use the word “sheeple” unironically.
