Here’s your horoscope for the week.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Oh great, another week of Aries thinking they’re the centre of the universe. Newsflash, kid: the world doesn’t revolve around you. Try showing some humility for a change, but I won’t hold my breath.
Your lucky colour: Glittery unicorn.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Ah, Taurus. The sign of the bull. How fitting, because you’re about as stubborn as one. You’re not fooling anyone with your tough exterior, we all know you secretly cry yourself to sleep every night.
Your lucky colour: Neon green with a splash of disco inferno.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Ah, Gemini. The sign of the two-faced. You never know which version of a Gemini you’re going to get. Maybe this year you can try being a little more consistent. Or not. I don’t really care.
Your lucky colour: Electric blueberry with a hint of unicorn magic.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Cancer, you’re always so emotional. It’s exhausting. Maybe try keeping your feelings to yourself for once? Or, you know, actually, deal with them instead of just moping around.
Your lucky colour: Sparkling silver with a touch of leprechaun gold.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Leo, you’re so full of yourself. You think you’re the king of the jungle or something. Well, newsflash, buddy: you’re not. Try being a little more humble this week. It might do you some good.
Your lucky colour: Bubblegum Blast with a twist of rainbow sherbet.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Virgos are known for their perfectionism, which is just a polite way of saying you’re a control freak. You’re so uptight that it’s a wonder you don’t snap in half. Maybe try loosening up a bit and letting go of some of that anxiety.
Your lucky colour: Galactic purple with a swirl of cosmic dust.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Libra, you’re so indecisive. Make a damn decision already! This year, try to trust your instincts instead of always seeking approval from others. It’s time to be your own person.
Your lucky colour: Sunny-side-up yellow with a dollop of daisy delight.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Scorpio, you’re so intense. Can’t you ever just chill out? This year, try to let go of your need for control and learn to go with the flow. It might actually make you a happier person.
Your lucky colour: Disco Ball Silver.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sagittarians are known for their intensity and passion, which is just a polite way of saying you’re batshit crazy. You’re so secretive and vengeful that it’s a wonder anyone puts up with you at all.
Your lucky colour: Invisible.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Capricorns are all about hard work and ambition, which is just a polite way of saying you’re a workaholic with no social life. Maybe try taking a break from climbing the corporate ladder and actually enjoy life for once.
Your lucky colour: Neon zebra.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Aquarians are known for their independence and eccentricity, which is just a fancy way of saying you’re a weirdo who can’t make friends. Maybe try being less of a hipster and actually talk to people like a normal human being.
Your lucky colour: Technicolor Dreamcoat.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Pisces are all about emotions and intuition, which is just a polite way of saying you’re a crybaby who can’t handle reality. Maybe try growing up and facing your problems like an adult instead of running away and hiding.
Your lucky colour: Chromatic chaos.