Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will re-enact scenes from Lord Of The Rings with your cat but it ends up being Harry Potter instead.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse as your spouse will steal all the change out of your car ashtray to feed her McDonald’s frozen coke addiction.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will go on an unexpected trip to the supermarket and find $1 in a supermarket trolley that no one else has been able to remove.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be unable to cook toast and every slice will be perfect on one side and burnt on the other. Time for a new toaster.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You won’t be able to stop farting. What’s new? Your family won’t notice as they’re used to the smell
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A man’s home is his castle. Expect to finish paying off that Trojan horse.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Chuck Norris will follow you on Twitter. You will respond with a Chuck Norris fact and he will un-follow you again. You won’t notice until Christmas.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
God won’t be able to hear you as he’s too busy giving Aquarius’s everything they ask for.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will find your remote behind the cushion. The one for the last TV you had.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will get frisked at the Cinema’s by the Ticket Usher as he thinks your wallet, keys and phone in one pocket are a can of soft drink. He will take you out for a dinner and a movie.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will fall over in public and everyone will ask you how was your trip. Key their cars.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your doctor will stuff up your surgery. It will be no big deal. You’ve always warn your heart on your sleeve.