Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Today will be full of hits, misses, and gun jams.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The milk is going bad as you read this. Seriously, don’t you look at the expiration dates?
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll discover the bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. Stop touching it.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. Leave it alone.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will suddenly understand both particle physics and empathy. You realise that you’ve been wrong all the time.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Time will heal all rug burns. Remember that one you got when you were 7 and 8 oh yeah twice when you were 10? You probably deserved it.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Learn how to drive, jerk!
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your refrigerator is filthy. Get an Aries to clean it for you. Your lucky number is 1.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will step in something in a few minutes. Good thing you don’t have a case of foot and mouth.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Wipe the seat, pig.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Call in sick. You’ll know why. You’re welcome.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a mower. When this gets pointed out to you, you will have the urge to mow the lawn.