Your Horoscope – Week Of August 6, 2018

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

 ♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Today will be full of hits, misses, and gun jams.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The milk is going bad as you read this. Seriously, don’t you look at the expiration dates?

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll discover the bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin. Stop touching it.

♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. Leave it alone.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will suddenly understand both particle physics and empathy. You realise that you’ve been wrong all the time.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Time will heal all rug burns. Remember that one you got when you were 7 and 8 oh yeah twice when you were 10? You probably deserved it.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Learn how to drive, jerk!

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your refrigerator is filthy. Get an Aries to clean it for you. Your lucky number is 1.

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will step in something in a few minutes. Good thing you don’t have a case of foot and mouth.

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Wipe the seat, pig.

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Call in sick. You’ll know why. You’re welcome.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a mower. When this gets pointed out to you, you will have the urge to mow the lawn.

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