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    Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto

    Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub

    Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble

    Mask Horror! Eaglehawk Woman Sets Own Face On Fire Lighting A Durry

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

    Melbournians Urged to Stay The Fork Away From Bendigo

    Moama Man Drives To Dubbo Dan Murphy’s After Being Denied Entry To Echuca

    Bendigo Airport Offers Fake Flights For Sydney-Starved Tourists

    Local COVID-19 Patients Quarantined On Lake Tom Thumb Island

    Person Goes To Mickey Mouse Hill For The View

    Father Of Three Asks, “Is It Wednesday?”

  • Entertainment
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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Brendan Fraser Signs On For “Pre-Covid Man”

    10 Albums That Impacted The Bendigo Standard

    Dad Refers To Groovin The Moo As ‘Groovin To The Moo’

    Bendi-Con Cosplayer Dressed As Dr Manhattan Arrested By Police, Told To Put Pants On

    Channel 10 Begins Filming I’m From Bong Gully… Get Me Out Of Here ya ****!

    Tramspotting Screening at the Star Cinema

    Great Scott! Rod Fyffe Cast As Doc Brown In Upcoming Back To The Future Remake

  • Food + Drink

    Hoarder Cocktail Night Recipes: Hand Sanitizer And Cola, And More

    Hoarder Fashion: Pasta Necklaces Are In This Year!!!!

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    Darrell Lea To Release The Taste Of Bendigo

    Local Man Gives Three Thumbs Up To Bendigo’s Smallest Parma

    Local Man Fired For Putting Communal Sauce In The Fridge

    Local Man Discovers You Can’t Get Naked At Get Naked Espresso Bar

    “Babyccino’s Are Gateway to Caffeine Addiction” Says Local Mum

    Is Buddy Giving Two Up Yours or Two Thumbs Up? You Be The Judge

  • Technology

    5G Causes Tim Reuben To Leave Hit FM

    Parents On Laptops Complain About Kids On Tablets

    COVIDsafe App Not As Fun or Security Flawed As FaceApp

    Zoom Replaces Excel As Most Hated Workplace App

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    Local Man creates Bendigo Have Your Say app

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    Local Influencers Apply For Centrelink After Instagram Goes Down

  • Sport

    Most Complicated Hopscotch Ever Produced

    Anakin Skywalker Declares Coronavirus Is “Not Podracing”

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    AFL Suggests Putting Zip Ties On Your Helmet To Prevent Magpie Attacks During Finals

    Hawthorn Announces New Mascots

    Right Up Your Alley: S#!*ty Bowling Launches In Bendigo

    Kangaroo Sets Sights On Anthony Mundine After Enrolling In Boxing Class

    Bendigo Trolley Pusher Breaks World Record

    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

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Your Horoscope – Week Of December 10, 2018

Mike Elliott by Mike Elliott
December 10, 2018
in Horoscopes

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your coworkers are planning your birthday party. But they have the wrong date. • Your life is a series of ups and downs. Like a toilet plunger. • You will fart in front of a large group tomorrow.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You will receive a phone call from a Norwegian. • Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

While you were away from home, a stranger showered in your bathroom. • An argument over a parking ticket will lead to romantic entanglement.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The priest is lying about what happened. • The bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin.

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Don’t think, just do. • You will find yourself nervous and gassy this evening. • You’ll find it in the last place you look for it.

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

tighten the caps on all your medications. • Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Try to answer every phone call before the first ring finishes. Success will follow • Run! For God’s sake, RUN!


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Check your voicemail. • Call in sick. You’ll know why. • Walk it off. • Don’t sleep, shriners want to eat you.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your seats for the show will be abysmal. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Walk it off. • You’ll throw out your back pooping this week so don’t do it.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

 A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in the weekend. • What you see as a talent, others see as a sign of weakness.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Yep, that’s a panda. • You will become illiterate as soon as you finish this sentence. • Succeeding at sucking is not really success.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your car will begin pulling slightly to the center. • People like you make me sick. • A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial.

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This Just In

  • Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto
  • Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”
  • Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum
  • Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub
  • Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble
  • Mask Horror! Eaglehawk Woman Sets Own Face On Fire Lighting A Durry
  • Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit
  • Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show
  • Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring
  • No Free Parking? Bendigo Councillors Added To Santa’s Naughty List
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