Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
While you were away from home, a stranger showered in your bathroom. • An argument over a parking ticket will lead to romantic entanglement.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
tighten the caps on all your medications. • Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Try to answer every phone call before the first ring finishes. Success will follow • Run! For God’s sake, RUN!
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Check your voicemail. • Call in sick. You’ll know why. • Walk it off. • Don’t sleep, shriners want to eat you.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your seats for the show will be abysmal. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Walk it off. • You’ll throw out your back pooping this week so don’t do it.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in the weekend. • What you see as a talent, others see as a sign of weakness.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Yep, that’s a panda. • You will become illiterate as soon as you finish this sentence. • Succeeding at sucking is not really success.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your car will begin pulling slightly to the center. • People like you make me sick. • A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial.