Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Someone will spit in your taco on Taco Tuesday. • You need to spend some time thinking about your future. • Hold out for a better deal from your boss when he offers to fire you.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It’s time to leap into a jagged canyon of YOU! • God will tell you the meaning of your existence, but in a thick, unintelligible accent.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The milk is going bad as you read this. • Your bones are slowly turning to dust. Won’t be long now. • Your heroes are all cowards. • You will inadvertantly shoplift several times this week.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
That smell IS you. Seriously. • There’s a video of you on YouTube that you should probably investigate. • Your heroes are all cowards.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will suddenly realize you’re naked on public transportation. • You’re not a cannibal, you’re just curious. • All your furniture has moved one inch to the left.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your dandruff will increase exponentially and then suddenly stop. • Hide it, no one saw!
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will get lost while driving. • You realise you are slowly turning to dust after watching Infinity War. • You find your new feelings rather confusing. Speak to the police. • You are being watched but they’re really bored.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There’s nothing good on tonight. • Your workouts would be more effective if you stopped eating between sets. • Breathe less.