Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your parents wanted a boy. • Take that trip sooner rather than later. • You will become illiterate as soon as you finish this sentence. • What you see as a talent, others see as a sign of weakness. • Your lucky number is 7. • Your lucky colour is lightsaber blue.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your misgivings are grounded in paranoia. • The termites in your skull are making more noise than ever this week. • Your lucky number is -6. • Your lucky colour is whatever wine you spilt on your shirt celebrating New Years Eve.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Leave it alone or it will fall off • Yes it was you. • You find out you’re allergic to leather and cows • Your lucky number is 0 • Your lucky colour is leather brown
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your best friend just called you a loser. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. • Your lucky number is 99.5 • Your lucky colour is ranga orange
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You go on a trip when you fall up some stairs • Your elbow is itchy but can’t scratch it. • Your lucky number is 1 • Your lucky colour is blood orange
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You love the Leo Sayer tickets you got for Christmas because you’re a Leo • Get that checked out • Your lucky number is 498654 • Your lucky colour is whatever is on that Christmas cracker crown.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There’s no time like the present, so have that unsightly growth removed. • Your paranoia is justified. • Go ahead and hide from the world. Not that the world will notice. • Your lucky number is -0 • Your lucky colour is white
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will binge watch all of The Kardashians. • Today will bring you great joy. Feel free to run naked down the street. • There’s a possum in a nearby tree thinking about crapping in your hair. • Your lucky number is -0.1 • Your lucky colour is what ever your kid says it is
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your aura is dim. Have it checked. • Buy a cat and name it Mel. It will get you out of a jam. • Your lucky number is 13 • Your lucky colour is fluorescent black