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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

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    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

    Melbournians Urged to Stay The Fork Away From Bendigo

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  • News
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    Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto

    Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub

    Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble

    Mask Horror! Eaglehawk Woman Sets Own Face On Fire Lighting A Durry

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

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    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit

    Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring

    Melbournians Urged to Stay The Fork Away From Bendigo

    Moama Man Drives To Dubbo Dan Murphy’s After Being Denied Entry To Echuca

    Bendigo Airport Offers Fake Flights For Sydney-Starved Tourists

    Local COVID-19 Patients Quarantined On Lake Tom Thumb Island

    Person Goes To Mickey Mouse Hill For The View

    Father Of Three Asks, “Is It Wednesday?”

  • Entertainment
    • All
    • Movies
    • Music
    • TV

    Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum

    Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show

    Brendan Fraser Signs On For “Pre-Covid Man”

    10 Albums That Impacted The Bendigo Standard

    Dad Refers To Groovin The Moo As ‘Groovin To The Moo’

    Bendi-Con Cosplayer Dressed As Dr Manhattan Arrested By Police, Told To Put Pants On

    Channel 10 Begins Filming I’m From Bong Gully… Get Me Out Of Here ya ****!

    Tramspotting Screening at the Star Cinema

    Great Scott! Rod Fyffe Cast As Doc Brown In Upcoming Back To The Future Remake

  • Food + Drink

    Hoarder Cocktail Night Recipes: Hand Sanitizer And Cola, And More

    Hoarder Fashion: Pasta Necklaces Are In This Year!!!!

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    Darrell Lea To Release The Taste Of Bendigo

    Local Man Gives Three Thumbs Up To Bendigo’s Smallest Parma

    Local Man Fired For Putting Communal Sauce In The Fridge

    Local Man Discovers You Can’t Get Naked At Get Naked Espresso Bar

    “Babyccino’s Are Gateway to Caffeine Addiction” Says Local Mum

    Is Buddy Giving Two Up Yours or Two Thumbs Up? You Be The Judge

  • Technology

    5G Causes Tim Reuben To Leave Hit FM

    Parents On Laptops Complain About Kids On Tablets

    COVIDsafe App Not As Fun or Security Flawed As FaceApp

    Zoom Replaces Excel As Most Hated Workplace App

    Cat Fails To Search For Coronavirus Cure

    Local Man Records Sound Of Fart

    Local Man creates Bendigo Have Your Say app

    Local unsure if ‘Bendigo Lifts 4 Cash’ is for drug deals or booty calls

    Local Influencers Apply For Centrelink After Instagram Goes Down

  • Sport

    Most Complicated Hopscotch Ever Produced

    Anakin Skywalker Declares Coronavirus Is “Not Podracing”

    Local Man To Take Part In Eating In Bed Olympics

    AFL Suggests Putting Zip Ties On Your Helmet To Prevent Magpie Attacks During Finals

    Hawthorn Announces New Mascots

    Right Up Your Alley: S#!*ty Bowling Launches In Bendigo

    Kangaroo Sets Sights On Anthony Mundine After Enrolling In Boxing Class

    Bendigo Trolley Pusher Breaks World Record

    Carlton Currently Undefeated In 2019

The Bendigo Standard
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Your Horoscope – Week Of January 6, 2019

Mike Elliott by Mike Elliott
January 7, 2019
in Horoscopes

Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Yep, it’s contagious. • Your tyres were just slashed. • All is not lost. But most of it is. • You’re not the only one depressed by your failures. • Your lucky number is -1 • Your lucky colour is poo brown


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your parents wanted a boy. • Take that trip sooner rather than later. • You will become illiterate as soon as you finish this sentence. • What you see as a talent, others see as a sign of weakness. • Your lucky number is 7. • Your lucky colour is lightsaber blue.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your misgivings are grounded in paranoia. • The termites in your skull are making more noise than ever this week. • Your lucky number is -6. • Your lucky colour is whatever wine you spilt on your shirt celebrating New Years Eve.


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will tell everyone you’re going to break their fingers if they touch the TV during the Kardashians • No matter how hard you try you cannot keep up with The Kardashians • Your lucky number is -13. • Your lucky colour is black like your heart.

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Leave it alone or it will fall off • Yes it was you. • You find out you’re allergic to leather and cows • Your lucky number is 0 • Your lucky colour is leather brown


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Your best friend just called you a loser. • You will be asked to dance by a stranger wearing a sandwich board. • Your lucky number is 99.5 • Your lucky colour is ranga orange


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You go on a trip when you fall up some stairs • Your elbow is itchy but can’t scratch it. • Your lucky number is 1 • Your lucky colour is blood orange


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You love the Leo Sayer tickets you got for Christmas because you’re a Leo • Get that checked out • Your lucky number is 498654 • Your lucky colour is whatever is on that Christmas cracker crown.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You will get a new embarrassing nickname • You will discuss a matter of grave importance with someone you mistake for a coworker • Your lucky number is 498655 • Your lucky colour is booger green

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

There’s no time like the present, so have that unsightly growth removed. • Your paranoia is justified. • Go ahead and hide from the world. Not that the world will notice. • Your lucky number is -0 • Your lucky colour is white


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will binge watch all of The Kardashians. • Today will bring you great joy. Feel free to run naked down the street. • There’s a possum in a nearby tree thinking about crapping in your hair. • Your lucky number is -0.1 • Your lucky colour is what ever your kid says it is


♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Your aura is dim. Have it checked. • Buy a cat and name it Mel. It will get you out of a jam. • Your lucky number is 13 • Your lucky colour is fluorescent black

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This Just In

  • Trump Hires Sweaty Law Expert Dennis Denuto
  • Bendigo Council Elections A Shambles. America: “Hold My Beer”
  • Scottish Vets Neuter Prime Possum
  • Church Of Scientology Brings Love To Universal Nightclub
  • Bendigo Council’s Self Respect Discovered Under Rubble
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  • Council Shuts Down 6 Year Old’s Marijuana Stand For Not Having A Permit
  • Grown Adult Still Traumatised By Faceless Doll In 90’s Kids Show
  • Dan Andrews Reveals Ring Of Steel Is Just A Giant Egg Ring
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