Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will get lost while driving. • Tell that person you love them. You know who we’re talking about. Wait! No, not him! Stop you fool!
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
That hot tip you got will make you look foolish. • A stranger may mean you harm this week so greet everyone with a blood-curdling shriek.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Don’t go to the company party. • You will be mistaken for a celebrity you detest.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The milk is going bad as you read this. • Your paranoia is justified.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It’s clear your future lies in the church. But they won’t have you. • Your carpet will stop matching your curtains.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The body under the couch is starting to smell. • Hide from those who mean to tickle you.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your next shower will be interrupted by a large mildly poisonous insect. • You will find yourself nervous and gassy this evening.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your best friend is sleeping with your pet. • You will miss the toilet more than you think.