Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your coworkers are planning your birthday party. But they have the wrong date. • Your socks don’t match.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A fart plays a pivotal role in your relationship. • Call in sick. You’ll know why.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll find it in the last place you look for it. • Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder!
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your car has a flat. • You will find yourself nervous and gassy this evening.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The only thing to fear is fear itself. • While you were at work a stranger showered in your bathroom.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial. • The bump on your back is actually the head of your unformed twin.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Work out. Then again, why bother? • You will develop an attractive skin condition.
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your workouts would be more effective if you stopped eating between sets. • Your exciting plans for the weekend bore the planets.