This Week’s Completely Accurate and Definitely Not Made-Up Horoscopes!
♈ ARIES
March 21 to April 19
Your week looks promising, Aries—if your idea of promise involves last-minute panic, avoidable mistakes, and a profound existential crisis about whether you should quit your job and become an influencer. Spoiler: You shouldn’t.
Lucky Colour: Beige, like your personality after two hours of small talk.
♉ TAURUS
April 20 to May 20
You’re known for your patience, but this week will test your ability to tolerate others’ stupidity. You’ll nod along in meetings, pretend to care about Karen’s cat’s birthday, and internally scream while smiling. Hang in there, champ.
Lucky Colour: Traffic light red, because you’ll be stuck at every single one.
♊ GEMINI
May 21 to June 20
You’re feeling emotional this week—so, you know, just like every other week. Prepare to cry over a slightly mean email or a puppy video, whichever happens first.
Lucky Colour: Neon green, like that dodgy sushi you’ll regret eating.
♋ CANCER
June 21 to July 22
Your emotions will be all over the place this week, so expect to cry at a cereal commercial, overanalyse a text from three days ago, and overthink why your coworker said “good morning” in that tone.
Lucky Colour: Ocean blue because drowning in your feelings seems inevitable.
♌ LEO
July 23 to August 22
Your natural confidence will be mistaken for arrogance again, but don’t worry—your friends are already used to it. Continue dazzling the world with your radiant presence, but maybe dial it down before people start charging you rent for all that space you take up in their heads.
Lucky Colour: Road sign yellow, so you can at least pretend you’re travelling somewhere.
♍ VIRGO
August 23 to September 22
Your need for perfection will reach new heights this week as you rewrite an email seven times before sending it, only to realise you left a typo in the subject line. Therapy might help, but so would accepting that nobody cares as much as you do.
Lucky Colour: Blackboard grey, like your soul after another disappointing group project.
♎ LIBRA
September 23 to October 22
Decisions, decisions. Should you get coffee or tea? Should you text your ex or set your phone on fire? The answer is obvious, but your indecisive self will still spend two hours weighing the pros and cons of both.
Lucky Colour: Pastel pink because it’s just as non-committal as you.
♏ SCORPIO
October 23 to November 21
You’ll pretend to be mysterious and brooding this week, but everyone knows you’re holding a grudge over something from 2017. Maybe let it go? No? Cool, carry on.
Lucky Colour: Black, like your sense of humour and the hole where your heart used to be.
♐ SAGITTARIUS
November 22 to December 21
You crave adventure, but your bank account craves stability. Unfortunately, “spontaneously quitting your job and hitchhiking across the country” is not a financially sound plan—again.
Lucky Colour: Green. Seriously, wipe your nose.
♑ CAPRICORN
December 22 to January 19
Your to-do list is longer than your lifespan, but sure, keep pretending you have it all under control. At least your calendar looks organised, even if your mental state doesn’t.
Lucky Colour: Office white, because that’s where you’ll be… forever.
♒ AQUARIUS
January 20 to February 18
Your quirky “I’m different” energy will be high this week. Try not to bring up your weirdly specific conspiracy theories at work—HR is still recovering from last time.
Lucky Colour: Alien green because you swear you saw a UFO once.
♓ PISCES
February 19 to March 20
You’ll be extra sensitive today, and while that’s adorable in theory, it isn’t enjoyable. Get it together, drama queen.
Lucky Colour: Delusional lavender because reality is just too much for you.
