Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The things, you say Your purple prose just gives you away • You’re unbelievable
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Aldi has some weird crap on sale this week and it’s all your fault • Don’t be a jerk in the mall
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your fitted sheets don’t want to be folded • Use up all your annual leave to lay in bed for the whole 2 weeks and just stare at the ceiling.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Go somewhere classy and wear only a top hat and monocle, yes just those • share a half-half pizza with your dog
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Don’t worry about it, it was an accident • you will resist the urge to call human services on parents making their kid wear a Collingwood jumper.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There’s no point in trying this week when you forget how to parallel park • You’ve got rhythm and music, who could ask for anything more?